After Rannoch
by Forlorn Melody
Summary: Nothing is fair in love and war. Shepard realizes this the hard way the night after she outruns a Reaper on foot. She's well aware of how many times Kaidan's been there for her in her weakest moments–she just didn't realize he'd need the same from her.


Notes: Originally I was writing this as some weird angsty PWP, only to realize that it encapsulated everything I hate about romanticized PTSD in Mass Effect fanfics. In my later drafts, I decided to turn that trope on its head. This is meant to be a generic Fshenko fic, but you may read it as Jane Shep/Demi! Kaidan if you want. It's not strictly NSFW but there's some sensual/nearly sexual content. Proceed at your own comfort level.

* * *

After Rannoch, Shepard barely makes it to her cabin before passing out. She manages to fall face first into her bed in full armor. She knows she should talk to Kaidan about what happened, debrief, whatever—but every time she thinks of outrunning that Reaper, her mind threatens to race out of control. Right now her resurrected body just can't keep up. Shepard mumbles an apology to Kaidan as her eyes fall closed. The bed shifts as he sits next to her. Her mind registers the shaking in his hands as he undoes her armor.

* * *

Something jerks Shepard awake in the middle of their sleep cycle. Her mind is still fogged with sleep and the remains of what was a _very_ nice dream. Shepard's head almost drops back to the pillow, and she hears Kaidan's labored breathing. At first it looks like a wet dream, and something warm and dark coils in her belly. Then Shepard sees the tears on Kaidan's cheeks, and the stiffness in his body as he thrashes in the sheets.

Nightmares.

Donnel Udina was a liar—or an idiot. Probably both.

"Kaidan?" Shepard clears her throat, still clogged from sleep. She sits up, waiting for him to react. He must be too deep to hear her. Ever so gently, she brushes the wetness from his cheek—

His eyes shoot open, and Kaidan gasps. He's as white as a ghost, and his body rattles like a snake. Shepard gives him a moment to come back, brushing her thumb against his skin.

"Shepard?" Kaidan whispers, barely audible.

She nods, smiling softly.

More tears fall from his eyes. "You're alive?"

Her heart breaks as she nods. "Yeah." Damn to hell Collectors, the Reapers, the Alliance, the Council—all that conspired to rip them apart. Shepard can't stand to see him unravel like this, but she also knows he's seen the same in her all too often. "Alchera?" She whispers just as softly as him.

Kaidan says nothing, only yanks her close and buries his nose into her shoulder. His body shakes with his sobs, and his hands grip her back like she's still falling away from him through the vacuum of space.

Shepard holds him just as tightly, as if some Cerberus shell is about to throw him into the wall of a shuttle repeatedly. Never again, she promises to herself. "It's alright. I'm here," she whispers into his ear.

His response is muffled against her skin. Shepard pulls back slightly, searching his eyes. "What?"

Kaidan's eyes fall, and his voice breaks. "For how long?"

Not a fair question. Not by a long shot. Shepard takes his head in her hands. "Kaidan—"

"Don't 'Kaidan' me." They both flinch. "Please."

"Okay." It's not what he wants to hear. Hell, it's not even what she wants to _say,_ but Shepard can't ever bring herself to lie to him. Even if the lie's encased in a promise that she'll survive the war. She feels him pulling away from her, emotionally and physically, and so she leans closer. "What do you need from me?" Shepard pauses, knowing that offer is broader than she can handle in this moment. "What do you need from me right now?" she qualifies.

"I…" Kaidan's eyes look past her to the fish tank and he falters. Shepard's fingers press tighter into his skin. The way he starts at her touch makes her wonder if she's hurting him, but he brings a hand to hold one of hers over his cheek. He smiles just slightly as he kisses the inside of her palm. It lacks the energy and the hope of the smile she saw on their date on the Citadel, but it's still a smile. "I need to feel you." Then he swallows. "All of you."

Shepard smiles just a little to match his, and she guides his fingers to fasteners on her under armor. They fumble out of their clothes together. She lets him take the lead—it's his choice to stop whenever he wants or needs to. He kisses her hard—like it's their last, God, she hopes it isn't. His fingers trace every inch of her skin, committing it to memory. Tears form in her eyes to join his—she knows all too well that memories die just like people do. Soon enough his lips make their way down her neck, and his hands wander farther south–all of it is too much and not enough.

"Kaidan." She gasps, and her hand brushes between his legs. It's only when Kaidan hesitates that she realizes he isn't as ready as she is. Shepard stops, pulling back enough to meet his eyes.

"Shepard." He's just as tense as earlier, if not more so. "…I don't think I can do this right now." Tears brim at the corners of his eyes again. His face flushes darkly as he stares angrily at their entwined hands. "God, I _want_ to…it's just…I don't feel like _myself."_

Leaning forward, she presses a chaste kiss to his forward. "Been there. More than once." Shepard lies back against the pillows, pulling him down with her. "Raincheck?"

Kaidan finally uncoils, just a little. "Yeah. Okay." He lays his head against her chest, listening to her heartbeat. "Next time."

Shepard smiles, tracing her fingers through the gray curls just above his ear. "Next time."


End file.
